Harry here... To start with whatever Schwitters saw, it sounds like THE SCORPION KING was in an extremely premature state of release... Not only that, but I've heard that here really soon there is going to be extensive reshoots and extra production design work to make this film be something more than it currently is. I HOPE. Of course the number one problem with fantasy films of the past has been script, story and character work.... all of which has been left highly wanting. In the SCORPION KING's trailer I just can't help but notice that the production design... the cloth in the costumes... the banners and the weapons simply look cheap. Not only do they all look cheap and stupid, they don't seem practical. How a film like this gets made while CONAN: CROWN OF IRON or CRUSADE are made to languish.... I'll never know. There are some gigantic great scripts set within these types of worlds waiting to be filmed, but so long as inadequate scripts are over-financed and eventually fail at the box office due to poor exectution... it makes the triumph of quality Fantasy Films seem like the exception rather than the rule... making the genre too risky to pursue.... meaning we don't get the films we dream of... and that would suck. I wish Universal the best in trying to fix SCORPION KING... I hate to see any genre film not live up to its potential...
Hello, H.K. I have seen the steaming, festering pile of worthlesness known as THE SCORPION KING, Universal's latest insult to our intelligence and wallet. Although, I've seen merely an assembly, it is enough to let me know how awful this film is.
Let me start with the initial (but by no means only) problem: the script. HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The screenwriters must've read at least a few pages of some Robert E. Howard and/or listened to Mako's superior narration from the uber-superior CONAN THE BARBARIAN, because there is a hint of this in S.K.'s own narration. But, Harry, it pales, oh, how it pales to both Howard and Milius' take on Howard. And, of course, it goes downhill from there. S.K is the story of Mathayus (The Rock) who, as we all know was glimpsed in The Mummy Returns (this movie is an embarrassment to even that ridiculous franchise) one of the last three Akkadians left on earth. He and his co-horts are assasins and as the film opens they have been summoned to some sort of tribal council. Apparently these are refugee peoples, or the last free tribes, kingdoms or whatever who have done battle with the film's baddie, Memnon (Steven Brand). The head king of this council hires Mathayus' group, against the protestations of some of the others (including Michael Clarke Duncan as the Nubian Balthazar) to kill Memnon.
Memnon. Ahhhh, what can I say about this one-dimensionally written character? Will the audience be given a coherent, interesting look at the politics and cult of personality that makes Memnon the scourage of the land? Will we be treated to the flesh/steel power debate that James Earl Jones gracefully spoke in CONAN? Will we be treated to an actor with a silly punk haircut and Mad Max wardrobe whose character's emotional spectrum runs from anger/hatred all the way to anger/hatred? I'll let you guess.
The only reason we're to believe that Memnon rules everything is because he has a powerful wizard backing him up. Unfortunately Mathayus is a brave mercenary. If he were a coward he would've taken the money and run and saved us all from this terrible movie. So, Mathayus goes into Memnon's camp, where we learn that the son of the king who hired him, has betrayed him and his father. The other two Akkadians are killed but Mathayus is spared from Memnon's sword by the wizard, who just happens to be a scantily clad, beautiful wizard (Kelly Hu). Guess she has a crush on the ol' Rock.
What follows next, I won't bore you with. I'll hit on the basic stuff. Mathayus is buried up to his head in sand but is saved from the giant red CGI ants that are trying to eat him, by his new plucky, comic relief, side-kick, the thief Arpid (Grant Heslov in full, silly-Arab mode). There's the street urchin who shows Mathayus how to get into Memnon's palace. There's the urchin being caught by Memnon's guards and Mathayus having to save him. There's the old crack-pot inventor who will later save the day with his Magic Chinese Powder (Glad to know that there was a China and not a Cathay or something else back then). Of course, we'll need the lackadaisacal battle between Balthazar and Mathayus in which they earn each other's respect and become allies. Is the wizard realy misunderstood and forced to do evil against her will? You betcha...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Nothing new under the sun here. This is not Conan the Barbarian or even Beastmaster. Hell, this isn't even as "good" as Conan the Destroyer. We may be more on par with Beastmaster 2 or 3! In fact, I don't think this is anything more than a $100 million take on any given early-mid 80's sword and sorcery flick with a $400,000 budget. And as crappy as the script is, director, Russell has lowered to the challenge. He certainly doesn't seem too interested in working with the actor's characterizations. And, The Rock definitely needed help. While, I'll admit he looks the part to extraordinary effectiveness, what talent he has as an actor (and I'll give him the benefit of the doubt here. He is afterall a novice) is not nurtured here. In fact, some of his deliveries are just down-right laughable. They didn't have to be. THis ain't a Man For All Seasons. The lines are pretty straight-forward barbarian for crying out loud. Where was the director????? Well, I guess, he was the same place as the writers, off counting his money over in the land of drivel.
Also, for you Mummy fans out there. Be warned. There are no massive CGI battles between armies or mummies or anything else for that matter. There are no sweeping grand and epic battle scenes. The only thing that is kinda cool, and I mean only kinda cool, is a battle between Mathayus and some of Memnon's elite guards (including Ralf Moeller) in a sandstorm.
I hate to criticize, for as Godard said, "Those who are afraid to step into the abyss should not criticize those who aren't afraid" (I'm paraphrasing) But since I too am a filmmaker in training, and believe I too, may someday have the opportunity to step into the abyss I'll go right ahead. This movie sucks.
Call me T. Azimuth Schwitters.
