Folks, Harry here.. I'm sorry that I have failed you... My sacrifices to the goddess Ishtar have not granted me audience with this film. But I'm beginning to wonder... What sort of a freaking world is it where JOE HALLENBECK.. JOE HALLENBECK sees FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING before me. This, the most loathed of men. How is it that he could gain audience, while I'm left here... wasting away.... Awaiting this Thursday.... Putting notches in my wall, praying that I too will see the film. Hands shaking.... MUSsssSSSssT see MOBIE!!!! 2 more days.... Stay on target.... 2 More Days..... ARGH!!!!!!! NOT FAIR!!!!!
Season's Greetings, my lil' fan bitches. 'Tis I, Santa's Lil' Helper, The Mighty Joe Hallenbeck here to deliver to you a review of the most anticipated movie. . .well, EVER!
Recently I received an email from one of my adoring readers, 8 year old VIRGINIA. Here is a copy of that email:
Dear Mr. Hallenbitch,
(innit that cute - she misspelled my name)
Why do Hollywood executives act like monkeys and fling their poo at the unsuspecting public? I mean, the recent spate of so-called blockbusters have ranged from wretched prequels and embarrassingly bad Dr. Seuss classics to silicone-enhanced video game bimbos. Why do movies suck nowadays? Can't Hollywood make good, entertaining movies anymore? I have lost all hope in summer movies and while Monsters, Inc. was really good and Harry Potter was okay, I would like Santa, at least ONCE, to deliver me a Christmas present that doesn't insult my intelligence. If he REALLY does exist, he will deliver me a really, REALLY good movie this year. If I don't see one, then I will finally know that there is no such thing as Santa Claus.
Bah Humbug,
Virginia
Well, as you may guess, even this black hearted, cold, mean, uncaring son of a motherless whore was touched by this email. I set forth, determined to find a movie worthy of Virginia's wish.
I saw Monsters, Inc. While it was good, it was far below the brilliance of the Toy Story films and A Bug's Life. Next, there was Harry Pothead. A bit long and not much on plot, but I still found this tale to be quite charming. However, it was not the magic I was looking for. SPY GAME was an immensely entertaining and surprisingly intelligent thriller, but it's purely adult fare.
Hollywood was letting this little girl down. Where was I going to find this movie that would change her way of thinking? As I paced up and down my whiskey bottle-strewn motel room it hit me - a book fell from my shelf and bonked me on the head. Hours later I awoke to find a copy of the Gideon's Bible laying open next to me. A passage was underlined in the Book of Joe, Chapter 8, Verse 13 ". . .And a man born of the Kiwi shall deliver upon thee the second greatest gift the world hath ever seen. . ."
It was then I realized what I had to do - see Peter Jackson's LORD OF THE RINGS: THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING!
As a huge fan of Master Tolkien's works, I had my doubts that ANYONE, save GOD HERSELF, could do justice to Tolkien's incredible universe. However, when I heard that New Line bestowed this nearly impossible task to Peter "MEET THE FEEBLES/DEAD ALIVE" Jackson my doubts started to dissipate. I thought to myself, "Perhaps they won't "Hollywoodize" the trilogy after all? Perhaps they will do justice to this amazing series?" Like the rest of Tolkien's fans, I held my breath in anticipation as Jackson and company shot the film. Now, my wait is over. I have seen what all of us have dreamed about for decades.
Sit back, grab a pint, and behold the majesty that is the first installment of J.R.R. Tolkien's THE LORD OF THE RINGS. . .
THE PLOT - you should all know it by now. If you don't, you are one lucky bastard. My first of three quibbles resides within this element. Having read the books, I knew what I was in for. Thus, the movie didn't hold nearly as many surprises as it would for someone who is not familiar with the plot. To those of you ignorant bastards out there who have not yet read the books, I envy the hell out of you. For those of you that have read the books (perhaps more than once), just sit back, enjoy the ride and try not to nit-pick and bitch about some very minor changes.
THE DIRECTING - I have yet to see a Peter Jackson film I didn't like. From Bad Taste to The Frighteners, this wacky kiwi has managed to entertain the hell out of this old codger. His hyper-kinetic style and witty sense of humor has always added more oomph to the material he has handled. FELLOWSHIP proves, without a shadow of a doubt, that Mr. Jackson is one of the finest filmmakers of his day. It's quite evident that he is a fan and follower of Tolkien's works. The amount of detail he has paid to the transition of book to screen is unsurpassed. I just sat that, tears welling up in my eyes as Gandalf rode through The Shire. I kept muttering to myself, "Oh my god. Oh my God." It was as if this man journeyed through my mind and saw what I saw as I read the book so many ages ago. Jackson should be commended for undertaking a project of this magnitude!
It's as if Lean and Spielberg have morphed into one visionary soul. The comments I have read in previous reviews comparing the look of this film to Lean, Kurosawa and Coppola all ring true. Every shot is a painting that should be hung up at the Guggenheim. No amount of space is wasted. This insane madman brings Middle Earth to life! It's the kind of film that one must watch over and over and over again just to fully absorb what Jackson and his motley crew of art directors, costume people and effects blokes have created. This film is a sumptuous feast for the eyes on both an entertaining AND artistic level. Just thinking about it makes me tear up.
THE CAST: If an award was given for BEST CASTING IN A MOVIE (and one should be) this flick would win hands down!
GANDALF - I always thought of Connery in the role of Gandalf. . .that is, until I saw Sir Ian wear that magical hat. The heart and soul that Sir Ian bares in this difficult role is academy worthy. The man doesn't even need dialogue to show what is going on inside Gandalf's head. All you have to do is look into his eyes and everything is revealed!
FRODO - I was ecstatic when I heard that Elijah Wood signed on to play Frodo. No other actor in his age group could be more believable taking on the weight of Middle Earth, yet still managing to come across as one of the most heroic, yet innocent looking schlubs the screen has ever seen. The monumental task that Frodo must bear is one that no one - Hobbit, Man, Elf, or Dwarf - should have to endure. Just one look into Elijah's strikingly blue eyes show that this is one hero we, the audience, will be rooting for until the very end. Without his kind soul and unsurpassed courage all would be lost.
SAM - Sean Astin is PERFECT - DEAD ON PERFECT in this hapless role. I cannot WAIT to see the growth of this lovable character in Two Towers and Return of the King! This role is sure to catapult Astin higher up the acting ladder.
STRIDER/ARAGORN - mark my words, VIGGO MORTENSEN WILL BE THE NEXT HUGE THING IN THE 'WOOD!
THE LADIES - I love how New Line is vying for the chick audience by featuring Cate Blanchett and Liv Tyler prominently in the ads. If you were to combine the amount of screen time these lovely lasses are given it would probably come up to be 15 minutes at the very most. Oh, and to all those fan bitches out there who are already bitching about Arwen's slightly beefed up role, "HERE'S A SPOON - EAT MY ASS!"
GIMLI - In one of the most inspiring casting decisions, Sallah himself has been plucked for the role of Gimli the dwarf. Behind all that magnificent make-up one would never know it was Indy's comrade hurling that axe. BULLSEYE!
LEGOLAS, MERRY and PIPPIN - three relatively unknowns don these important roles. All do a wonderful job. . .especially Orlando Bloom as Legolas (how the hell does he whip out those arrows and fire them off so quickly?).
SARUMAN - in, perhaps the greatest casting decision since Brando in The Godfather, Mr. Hammer Films himself, Christopher Lee, delivers the most awesome performance of the year! This "BRUTUS" of wizards is one of the most wicked of all literary villains. I cannot WAIT for Two Towers and ROTK!
THE MUSIC - This, regretfully, is my main beef with this film. I think Howard Shore is a very gifted composer. His scores to NOBODY'S FOOL and SILENCE OF THE LAMBS are amongst my favorites! He has done amazing work with Cronenberg and even managed to inject some life into Joel Shitmaker's The Client. However, his score to this film is a bit of a let down. I may be in the minority, but I always pictured the LOTR universe to be filled with gorgeous, sweeping themes - each character having a motif of their own. Each land having a musical voice that identifies where our weary travelers rest. The works of Williams and Goldsmith have spoiled us all! I am glad Jackson didn't go with either of them for this film, but I wish he would have gone with someone like Basil Poledouris to bring to life Tolkien's world (Thank you, oh Movie Gods, for letting the complete score to Flesh and Blood see the light of day next January!). Howard's score works well in the film, but on its own, the Carmina Burana-esque gothic choral work wears thin after the third time it comes up. Perhaps for Two Towers, Jackson should instruct Shore to shed a wee bit more light on our heroes' quest, rather than weigh the movie down with his darker than dark tones.
THE F/X - "And the winner is. . ." Not since Jurassic Park has my jaw dropped at the site of an amazing effect. Seeing 5 foot something Wood shrunk down to a 3 foot something Hobbit just boggles the mind. How did they do that? The best f/x are those that don't seem like f/x at all. Never has that phrase rung so true as it does with this flick. Not all the cgi works, but what does is amazing. . .especially the shrinkage of the hobbits and the Dwarfs. My hat is off to the f/x team behind this modern marvel of special effects!
THE ENDING - Perhaps my most insipid complaint, but one that is and will be surely shared by those who watch this film. Don't get me wrong, I LOVED the ending. I just wish I didn't have to wait a year for the next installment. This ultimate cliffhanger will frustrate avid fans and enrage the casual viewer. Well, at least we have this flick to watch a few dozen times before Two Towers comes out.
It seems that The 'Wood had to travel south, across an ocean or two, to find a man and an enormously talented group of craftsman and filmmakers to save the "Popcorn Film." This is the first flick in a VERY long time that I am DYING to see again! Uncle George and Mr. Spielberg should take a note or two from this Down Under Wonder.
And to answer that little girl's question --Yes, Virginia - there is a Santa Claus. . .and his name is Peter Jackson.
Happy Holidays! Good will toward men, women, fan-bitches and to all you motha fuckas out there!
T.T.F.N.,
Joe Hallenbeck
