SHAOLIN SOCCER review

Hey folks, Harry here… I’ve been here at Geek Headquarters trapped by an evil back injury recuperating and dropping weight for the last month now… Due to doctor’s orders, I’ve pretty much been stuck in bed going cabin fever nuts…

It’s been a month since I was in a movie theater. For a film geek like me, that is just unbearable, sure I’ve been devouring DVDs like I used to OREOS, and admittedly consuming every Vincent Price film pressed to DVD has been curing me faster than any of the dear witch doctor’s toxins and potions.

However, leaving the room has been a rare occasion, and entering the central auditorium of Geek Headquarters has been… even more rare.

Last night, the magical being known as Patch crossed through the archway here at Geek Headquarters with a sacred glowing object… My eyes squinted as she handed to me… instantly my body began tingling, I knew instantly it was SHAOLIN SOCCER, the new phenomenon by Stephen Chow that has been blowing away box office records in Hong Kong.

Originally I was threatened with the possible promise of seeing this film upon the last night of the QT5. Here it was…

As she and Auntie Meat left my ancient residence, I sat it down, and watched THE DUNWICH HORROR. I watched it about 6 times, as it was set on repeat on my computer’s dvd player and I was asleep. I awoke, to watch it play with my conscious mind… Watched the last 5 episodes of the first season of SIMPSONS on DVD… Then looking about my room… Checking my email… I realized, it was time for SHAOLIN SOCCER.

I arose from bed, grabbed my crutches and forced myself into the central screening auditorium. Father Geek had left for the Austin Record Convention (where he was picking up nearly 30 Frank Kozik signed and numbered silk screened Rock Posters for an unheard of $125, what-a-deal!) I threaded up the print, hobbled out of the projection room, hit the remote that kick-starts the ol projector and watched as the curtains pulled back and….

WOW

SHAOLIN SOCCER is happiness crack.

Ok, for those of you that have no idea what SHAOLIN SOCCER is… basically the premise is that a down on his luck hobbled ex-great soccer player comes across a down on his luck Shaolin Kung Fu expert with a leg that can kick a beer can 2 miles and through a brick wall. He decides that this man is worthy to build an invincible soccer team about. Then like the Mighty Ducks or The Bad News Bears… They set out to kick ass and when the championship.

HOWEVER, unlike those films, they use the magical super-powers earned through years of Shaolin training.

There is also romance with a young grease blistered woman that uses some Shaolin fist to make Sweet Bread unlike any we have ever seen before… She has no self-esteem and covers her scarred face out of shame.

Now, I haven’t been a soccer fan since Elementary School when I discovered the true Shaolin master of soccer PELE’ in VICTORY, and realized that Soccer was a holy sport… for about 2 years, when suddenly I realized all that was holy could be seen on MTV 24 hours a day.

So I’m not currently a fan of soccer, though my brother-in-law Lobo is a rabid soccer fan, and both Robogeek and El Cosmico seem to catch the fever each and every year. I remain unfazed. UNTIL TODAY.

For the last 30 minutes of this film I was screaming and cheering and clapping my hands like a madman.

About 40 minutes into the screening, the hotline (the red glowing phone that very few have the number of) began pulsating, and I picked it up to find Sister Satan alerting me that we were bombing a certain foreign power that harbors terrorist and a certain fella named Osama bin Laden… I told her… "Can’t talk, tell me how it goes… Stephen Chow… Shaolin Soccer… Bye Bye!"

I was completely in the spell of SHAOLIN SOCCER.

Stephen Chow is so incredibly charismatic, that it is just a matter of time till many of us in the west begin bowing before his brilliance.

This film is so full of life, so full of energy… that as I watched I physically felt better than I’ve felt in over a month. This thing was just pure joy.

I haven’t heard if this has been picked up for American Distribution yet, but it sure as hell ought to… and it needs to come out in conjunction with the next World Cup…. IT WOULD BE HUGE! The goalie that looks exactly like Bruce Lee in GAME OF DEATH is just eerie as hell… and his stand against the Evil Team is just a thing of legend. Really outstanding!

And let’s hear it for evil American Drugs used by the Evil Team… DAMN! That stuff really enhances performance! Wowzers!

You must see this film, somebody must bring it to big screens now!

Hurry!

I just found out from the tall thin 200 year old plus industry hack that SHAOLIN SOCCER has been picked up for U.S. distribution by MIRAMAX! So if IRON MONKEY does great, expect SHAOLIN SOCCER to come out quickly! And god willing... subtitled! This movie rules hard! Click here for the trailer! and here and here and here for behind the scenes footage!!!