Hey, everyone. "Moriarty" here with some Rumblings From The Lab.
I know this Morpho. Knew him anyway. That was before he went all evil and got a nickname and started organizing black ops commando raids to get hold of episodes of BUFFY before they air.
The worst part is that he doesn't share. I mean, sure, he writes in with a great review, but is that REALLY sharing? I mean, I'm pretty sure they've got FedEx where Morpho lives. *Sigh* Guess it's never too early to start changing my evil Christmas card list...
Hello, Harry/Drew:
I know you guys know who I am, but for the purposes of this letter, you can call me “Morpho”. Just got finished watching an early tape of the UPN two-hour premiere of BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER and I figured I’d spill the beans on what happens for the readers of AICN who wanna know.
Be warned Buffy fans… lots and lots of spoilers ahead, so don’t read if you don’t wanna know… but we all know how HARD it’s going to be not to, don’t we?
What’s it called?
The two hour episode is called “Bargaining”, or so says my screener…
How does it open?
The Scoobs (Tara, Spike, Willow, Anya and Zander) are fighting vamps in a graveyard with Giles and the Buffy-Bot. They aren’t too successful, but the Buffy-Bot gets to kick some serious ass. Willow uses a spooky new power where she helps the gang by telling them what to do telepathically.
What do the new opening credits look like?
I have no idea. My copy was an early edit with no credits to be found. Sorry.
What happens next?
Lots of character’s to set up, so there is a lot of time spent showing what’s happened since Buffy died. Willow and Tara live with Dawn and the Buffy-Bot in the Sommers household. There is talk of the Buffy-Bot learning to NOT answer the phone because, if Buffy’s dad calls and finds out the real Buffy is dead, he may come and take Dawn away (Hmmm… possible setup for later in the season, perhaps?) Willow is, unsuccessfully, trying to program the Buffy-Bot to act more normal. Anya is rather pissed at Giles because he always threatens to leave and never does, leaving her to wonder if the “Magic Box” store will ever be hers (more on this later). Dawn just misses the real Buffy. Zander is, well, Zander and he and Anya are keeping their engagement a secret from the others. Giles contemplates his importance to the group now that Buffy is gone (more on this below). Spike has turned into Dawn’s babysitter, which brings up a bit of a flaw… if they are concerned about Dawn being by herself (which they address in the episode at some point), then who was watching her when everyone was out patrolling in the opening sequence? Oh well, so the script isn’t perfect…
OK, OK… Skip all the small talk how the hell does Buffy come back?
Anya buys the “Urn of Osirus” on Ebay (no kidding). This is the Urn needed to complete a magic ritual to bring Buffy back to life. In secret (they don’t tell Giles or Dawn) the Scoobs set up to do the ritual at Buffy’s grave. During their ritual, some big bad demon bikers attack Sunnydale and the Buffy-Bot accidentally lures the bikers to the gang during the ritual. Accidents happen and the Urn is broken after getting run over by a motorcycle causing Buffy to, unfortunately, come back to life INSIDE her coffin. That WASN’T the way it was supposed to happen. The ritual fails to go as planned. YIPES!
Bikers? Demon bikers?
There is an evil band of demon bikers that show up in Sunnydale to wreak havoc. The Buffy-Bot unsuccessfully attacks a vampire and gets wounded. The vamp runs to a local demon-biker bar and spills the beans that Buffy is now only a robot. This gets the interest of the demon gang, who then plunder Sunnydale into a desolate fiery wasteland and destroy just about everything.
How can they resurrect Buffy successfully and not her mom?
It’s explained that, because Buffy didn’t die a natural death (like her mom) and was killed by mystical energy, they have a “shot” at bringing her back back to life. Her soul could be trapped in eternal torment and Willow doesn’t want that to happen so, dammit, she’s bringing her back with a ritual that can free her soul and make Buffy come back.
Ritual? What’s that all about?
I donno, but Willow pukes a snake out of her mouth and is lacerated by an invisible force all over her body (bloody scratches appear on her arms). Creepy crawly things appear under her skin like in “The Mummy” and collect in her neck. She is surrounded by an eerie red glow when the bikers arrive to foil the fun.
Buffy comes back to life INSIDE her coffin?
Yep.. but only after we get to see her REALLY dead, decomposing skeletal body festering in the coffin first. Once the ritual resurrects her, she wakes up (insert creepy shot of white eyes opening here) inside her coffin and is too freaked out to scream. She claws her way out.
She CLAWS her way out?
Yep. Don’t ask me… I guess she must not have been buried too deep and had some hella sharp fingernails. But, it IS Buffy afterall… she just looks tired, confused and her eyesight sucks when she emerges from her grave. My heart sank when she turned and saw her own gravestone. Very unsettling, but she strangely doesn’t look too dirty in her lovely funeral dress after all that.
So, what happens next?
The Scoobs fight off the demon bikers the best they can and run into Buffy on the street. Buffy, still confused as hell, doesn’t really recognize her friends. Buffy “starts” to snap back to reality and helps kick some demon ass with the gang, but then runs away fearful and confused.
What happens to the Buffy-Bot?
Well, it gets destroyed folks. The bikers rip its limbs off by tying it up to chains attached to the motorcycles and driving in different directions. Can you say “drawn and quartered”? Sure, I knew you could… Dawn finds it later laying in pieces all over the street and it says some final, haunting words to Dawn about the real Buffy being alive before short circuiting.
Any Willow and Tara lovin’ to be found?
Sure! There is a brief liplock before breakfast and, in one night scene, we see them sleeping together with Tara sort of half-spooning Willow. Yowza!
What’s the deal we’ve heard about Spike on a motorcycle?
Yep! Spike knocks a demon biker off his ride and steals the bike. Dawn and Spike use the bike to flee to safety as the demons destroy Sunnydale.
Any sign of Willow maybe turning evil, like the early rumors said?
Absolutely! The opening scene where she communicates telepathically is an interesting sign of new powers. Her character is much more demanding and assertive. To prepare for the Buffy resurrection ritual she collects blood by killing a cute, defensless deer with her BARE HANDS! EWWW! Blood on her cute little dress! During the ritual, Willow is possessed by something really evil and nasty and a dialogue scene between her and Zander afterward “hint” to something that could maybe come back and haunt Willow in a later episode. She also paints her face with the deer blood ala “Braveheart” during the ritual. Is this the Willow we all know and love? Something’s up, folks, and we’ll find more as the season plays out.
What’s that you said about Giles contemplating “his importance” earlier?
Well, he feels guilty that he may not have been the best thing for Buffy and, now that she’s gone, he wants leave…and he does. By the middle of the premiere, he has flown far, far away back to England. Giles… exit, stage left.
Giles leaves? Really?
Yep… Bon Voyage.
How does the episode end?
Dawn and the resurrected Buffy finally meet again back at the construction site where Buffy died in the Season Finale. Dawn tries to talk Buffy out of jumping off the platform again (Buffy was probably at peace being dead and wants to go back). The site starts to collapse and, in an exciting action sequence, Buffy saves Dawn’s life. Dawn is happy Buffy is back, but the close up of Buffy’s face in the last shot shows that all still may not be right in the Buff’s head.
Who gets the best “lines” in the premiere?
There are three that get my vote (I’m allowed…it’s a 2 hour episode). Two from Zander: “I know. I know. I don’t have to talk when I answer ya, but I saw ‘The Fury’ and that way lies spooky carnival death!” and “House of chicks, relax! I am a man and I have a tool.” And, the Buffy-Bot: “That’ll put marzipan in your pie plate, Bingo!”
Speaking of lines, does the resurrected Buffy say anything at all in this episode?
Yes, but not much until the very end. Her first line is asking Dawn a question, “Is this hell?”
Anything really funny in this episode?
Yeah, there is a funny argument between Anya and Giles in the Magic Box and Dawn takes the Buffy-Bot to her high school parent teacher conference. Anya tries to cheer up the resurrected Buffy by almost spilling the beans that Zander and her are engaged. No, I’m not kidding…
Anything else?
Oh lots, but there is also a very funny “in joke” in the airport scene where the gang finds Giles waiting for his plane. Tara gives Giles a finger-puppet and she makes the exact noise, “Errr! Arrrghh!”, heard during the end of every episode when the “Mutant Enemy” card comes up after the credits.
Is it worth watching?
Oh please… do I REALLY need to answer that question?
Also remember, BUFFY fans, FX has just started showing the series in order again. Saw "Welcome To The Hellmouth" last night. Fascinating to see just how far our favorite characters have come. Until Fox issues those damn DVDs here in the States, FX ain't bad, although one more ALLY McBEAL commercial, and I might have to pretend I'm Elvis and shoot out the screen.
"Moriarty" out.
